Displaced Thoughts of a 20-Something Mind

one more angel to look over me

My grandfather died this afternoon.

I have millions of thoughts running through my head. He has been in the hospital for the past two weeks. He had had a heart attack earlier, and he was on a respirator and a feeding tube since his lung had collapsed.

My grandmother did NOT want to put him in a nursing home. He had been in two of them before, and he had almost died because they had "forgotten" about his insulin for his diabetes. She wanted him home.

He went home today. It was one of his better days, my father had said. My father came home to spend time with my before I went back to Columbia for work tomorrow afternoon.

My grandfather was gone within the hour.

Out of all the people that SHOULD have been there when he passed, my father should have been the one to be there with him. My uncles aren't very good about this kind of thing. My dad has taken off work for the past two weeks to be at the hospital with my grandfather and grandmother. My uncles were there for maybe only an hour or two a day...if that.

Watching my father cry is the worst feeling in the world. To a girl, her father is her protector. When you see that man cry, it breaks you apart inside. I held him while he cried. I was the protector today, yet there was really nothing I could do but be there for him, to be his shoulder to cry on.

You see, I was the next person to find out in the family after my father. He had called my mother's cell phone while we were out picking out stuff for my apartment, and when I answered, he thought I was my mother. I heard him break down. "Dad died." I broke. The phone dropped and I sobbed.

He thought I was my mother. He didn't want me to find out like that. It didn't matter to me. I had to find out sooner or later. It WAS a shock, but it feels more official coming from my father. If I heard it after the fact from my mom, I don't think it would have affected me as much. Hearing the words from my father, whose own father had just passed away, was very emotional. It was more raw, more real to me in this way.

My mother said that I'm lucky. I have 3 angels looking down on me now. He is with my mother's parents. They are watching me now. They want to see me succeed. Now, I want to show them that I can make MY dreams come true, as well as theirs.

My grandfather died happy. My father said he was petting the cat when he left the house today. He had talked with him about their hunting excursions and his time in the Navy.

My grandmother was grateful he died at home. They have been in that home through thick and thin. They moved into that house after they were married. They raised their children in that house. They helped raise their grandchildren in that house. He deserved to die in that house. He didn't deserve a death in a nursing home, alone. He didn't deserve to die in the hospital, his last noise he heard to be the machine beeping uncontrollably.

I love you grandpa...I WILL make you proud.

posted by Christi @ 5:13 PM